"My partner doesn't want me anymore, we make love less and less", "If I pass him naked he doesn't even notice... What can I do to make him want me?". Help needed...

"My partner doesn't want me anymore, we make love less and less."

"If I pass him/her naked, he/she doesn't even notice... What can I do to make him/her want me?"

These are requests for help that I often hear , in the studio and on my social channels. They come from both men and women (with a slightly higher frequency for the latter), and often involve established couples whose relationship has lasted some years.

How to reactivate sexual desire in a couple whose emotional bond has been solidified and is in danger of being compromised by the absence of passion?

We start from the assumption that, contrary to what is often believed, the sexual attraction to the partner does not have a steady rhythm over time and suffers a natural decline after the first phases of the relationship, in which he is instead the protagonist. In one of the theoretical-methodological models (Sternberg, 1999) of reading the emotional relationship to which I refer in clinical practice, the ingredients of love are three : passion, intimacy, commitment . The Visas in Athens offer the maximum passion a man is looking for.

In a future article I will deepen this model that provides us with very useful knowledge to understand the dynamics of the couple , what is central to this discussion is that sexual desire falls mainly under one of the three components, passion, and has a prominent role only in the first stage of the relationship.

Over time the other two dimensions (intimacy and commitment) dominate , although in a healthy relationship it is hoped that the three components will always dance with a constant presence in the relationship, bringing out now one, now the other, with the other two in the background. So to believe that you should have sexual desire for your partner just because you love him/her and that the same is true for him/her (i.e. that you should desire us just because he/she has a loving relationship with us) is a limiting faith in the relationship and predisposes to the onset of feelings of frustration , anger, and even dynamic conflict, when this desire is required and its absence is experienced as a lack or a mistake.

Desire is actually a complex , a dynamic relational phenomenon, in constant transformation and the way to ensure that we can fully enjoy it in the relationship is to monitor its evolution, with a constant commitment to nurture and nourish it. How? This of course is not for those who are always and only seeking escort ads.

In the meantime, let's look at 2 typical ways in which the problem is generally addressed that not only don't solve it, but risk exasperating it.

  1. Pretend that your partner feels desire and scold them if they don't . Many people present the problem to me by expressing feelings of anger and resentment at the partner who no longer pays attention or takes the initiative in bed. Daniel Pennac, a writer I love dearly, speaking about cultivating a passion for reading says: "The verb to read does not bear the imperative, an aversion it shares with some other verbs: the verb "to love", the verb "to dream"(D. Pennac, 1993). Do you find that you have ever loved someone because they ordered or asked you to? Certainly not, on the contrary... it generally works in reverse: In love, you know, the one who runs wins... and that's exactly the point (we were getting to that...). Therefore, scolding the partner because lately he or she has been cold, not taking the initiative, not paying compliments, not only does not have the desired effect but makes the situation worse.
  2. Asking to be wanted and, even worse, complaining to ask for it. In his essay on love, Osho urges us: "In love, don't be a beggar, be an emperor!" (Osho, 2005). Love cannot be asked for or, least of all, asked for, because it is something that is born (rather, it could be born) in response to a gift, an added value. Love is a skill in which magic happens : If we want the other person to love us, we must love (first of all ourselves).

And love is a gift, abundance, self-induced and misery . Imagine two people in front of you: one neat, proud, confident, smiling, welcoming, sexy, with a beauty that comes from within; the other neglected, spoiled, head bowed, shoulders hunched, crying, needy and demanding. Which do you find more attractive? How do you imagine well, to arouse your partner's sexual desire with requests, complaints and manifestations of pain? This applies to love in general and even more so when we talk about desire, an emotion triggered in deprivation, in lack (de-sidera = without stars), in the need to possess something one does not have.

So what is the right way to awaken the desire of the partner?

Returning to the etymology of the word desire, like a star we must shine our light and leave the need to enjoy and possess it to the other.

A couple of old people in love live in the apartment below my studio. I think it has a predisposition to the culinary arts, I wake it up to the delicious smells that some days, around noon, are allowed to drift in the wind and waft up to the studio windows. And just like that, there are days when I get a very strong urge to eat a soup (I swear!), others a breaded chicken cutlet, and also: scrambled eggs, baked potatoes, pasta with gravy and, even, minestrone! Not to mention when you're brewing coffee, with that unmistakable aroma that is typical of old Mocha simmering on the stove and getting rounder and fuller with the addition of sugar... And to say that almost none of the dishes listed are part of my regular menu and not even on my preferences! Did I get the idea?

The director of the psychotherapy school I attended, Edoardo Giusti, during a graduate course in couples psychotherapy, used the metaphor of the cake to illustrate the dynamics of desire: if you want to make someone want to eat the cake you have just made, let them smell it (which, necessarily, must be good and attractive), and show him his appearance (pleasant and welcoming)! Do you understand?

So green light to anything that might be part of a world care and self-care and improvement , in clothes and underwear that make you feel good (they don't necessarily have to be sexy and precious: you have to feel sexy and precious in them) ), in hobbies and activities that make you feel alive, dynamic, active, free and terribly attractive!

Inspire your partner by overflowing with love, sensuality, self-care, beauty, joy... and let yourself be "smelled" and admired just before you eat him.

Inspire, don't ask

And play this game for two, which is even more fun!